A letter to my bestfriend

To,

my best-friend

The only thing I want to say is that I miss you. If for what’s it’s worth, I want to tell you how grateful I am for you and all those times when you had me laughing out, gossiping about our common friends, calling out each other with different names and all the memories we made together. How amazing our friendship was and how much it meant to me and realized that you were probably the single most constant thing in my life for everything seemed to fall apart too soon; always.

You had me going in times of despair and when the world stumbled. You were there for my 3.pm gossips to my 3.am crying and I owe you for that. I am forever thankful and I hope I was able to provide for you the same kind of warmth and sunshine that you gave me. As much as I loved you, loved us and that beautiful friendship we thought we created. It did break me when we had to fall apart. Didn’t want to, never wanted to but had to because it was becoming a necessity.

I’m not blaming you. I could never blame you because you were not the only person who helped the circumstances and situations to tumble our friendship down; I had a part too. Sometimes though, I wish we had tried harder but other times I give into the fact that nothing could have been done. You moved away, we had busy schedules, we hardly saw each other and pretty soon, our lives drifted and we longer had the same things to talk about…….

It started with those little things which happened each day that made me laugh and I knew I couldn’t possibly remember all of them to tell you once we talked or even if I did tell you, I wouldn’t get you to understand because you weren’t there and now you’ll only be able to appreciate half of it. While, it dragged on, I think it finally ended with the new friends that we made. We each were jealous, I know. But we wouldn’t speak up because we knew we had to make new friends. I never wanted to see you suffer without an everyday everything buddy because I told you to go out there and make that place yours and have fun.

I totally understand it and even if it may seem like I’m completely over it, over us, over with what we had. I’m not and sometimes late at night when my mind is hazy and I struggle with insomnia all the same, I miss having someone to call at 3.am and I miss having all those deep conversations and my head fills with nostalgia and I’m reminiscing whatever good we did and I break down.

I don’t know how to explain it better.

It’s not just the nights. It’s the days too. Whenever I hear your name, my heart does a flip and not the good kind of flip. Or if I hear news about you from someone else my heart breaks a little for I always thought I would be the first to know. Or when I see something and it instantly makes me think about you, I want to shut my brain up.

I’m sorry if this is too much but I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you and also that I understand. I miss you but no, I don’t want your time again. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to have a picture with you again to make up for all this time. I don’t want your smiles or your laughs. I don’t want us again because it simply wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t be enough. We’re at different parts in our life and we both know our need to be with each other is somehow eliminated.

I miss you, but this is over. I think it’s okay to miss someone without wanting to talk to them. I may still love you as my best-friend but this is not what I want anymore and neither do you because we feel more in love with the memories than with each-other. But I wish you luck and a happy life.

Yours,

Ex-bestfriend