Are You interested?

Hello readers,

This is rather going to sound odd to you, but I took a little time to write the first word. I was too unsure if I should greet with an informal “Hey”, or a casual “Hi”. I decided to go with “Hello readers” because it has a nice tone it, and you get a grip on the conversation when you address someone specifically.

So, I’m going to tell you some things about me — to begin with, I’m a loner. I’m a misfit or should I say: “weirdo”? It’s okay. I know my taste is richer — I like to write with black pen when I’m working on my writings, and with red and blue when I’m doing for academics. I like my tea red when I’m working on my art, and with two spoons of milk and a sachet of sugar when I’m relaxing. No, I’m not superior, but I’m a man with a fine taste.

But am I fine man all the time? I’m not. I’m a very hard man to love on most of the days. And sometimes, I’m a very passionate lover. I would say I’m bipolar, but I’m not. I’m just a confused man, A paradox, whose wants and needs change rapidly. Is it bad? No. Not to me, but the people I go out with, it’s hard for them… they can’t catch up with what I want and what I need.

I’m often told I rush into things — that I’m an impatient man. I’m not. I can wait for things to fall into its place, but the truth is — I may no longer need it after the moment is gone. So, I need to live it while I can. You can argue and say, “If you lost interest in it, you really didn’t need it.” I think, I just retreat too quickly. It’s functioning on its own… my bruised heart.

I like silences, too. I might go on for about seven minutes straight on a date and be quiet for the rest of the time, just looking at her, observing her, understanding why she is the way she is without giving away anything from my side. I also like to test people. I’ve to test you to know if I still want another date with you. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I like to set subtle challenges — pass them and we come closer, fail them, and we will drift apart.

I’ve been trying to write the next paragraph for the past fifteen minutes and been backspacing it. I am overwhelmed right now. I want to express things but I don’t want to say. I want to laugh on old silly jokes but I have anger inside me that is killing me. I want to care about people I despise but I’m too lazy. I want to talk but I cannot pick up my phone and dial a number.

There are far too many things I don’t understand — love at first sight, saying sorry after being caught, whispering secrets only to reveal them later. When I don’t understand something, I force myself into believing that it makes sense. I forget, not all the things have to make sense. I read somewhere — “Life is a straight line. Even when turned upside down, your beginning and end don’t change.” I don’t know if I believe this. I wish I knew.

The world says to open your heart and welcome people. Quite honestly, open hearts take the most stabbing. Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard a battle, I read it in a book. But how do I teach myself to be kind to the world when I’ve witnessed a war that is going on inside myself? Nobody comes back the same after going to a war.

The strangest thing is happening to me. The world keeps on searching for something concrete and certain. Things that will stay. I, on the other hand, want to be with things that I can never be with, and I don’t know if it’s okay. I like the idea of it, but I don’t want it for myself. My heart is hungry for intimacy, but it also wants all its beats to be challenging.

So, the question is — Are you interested in me?