Unspoken feelings

I see you, you are sitting on the leftmost row, with her. You have that smile on your face, that toothy smile which I always adore, that smile which melts my heart, that smile which has given me courage to go on, two winters ago.

You look spectacular today just like the Disney princess you wanted to be. You are looking at her with that twinkle in your eyes. The twinkle which only I am supposed to see. I can see glowing happiness in your eyes whenever you shared a word, ofcourse with her. But you know, love, I took all the classes with you so that we can sit together.

I am supposed to be happy, I am supposed to cheer. I am not supposed to feel jealous. I should not feel bad that you are sitting with her comfortably. I sit here reminiscing every moment we had together. You are a part of every memory of mine. I remember you, your ceaseless demands. Your childish wants. I remember wiping the ice-cream off your face.

Everything seems so nearby, yet so distant. Just like my favourite constellation “Aquarius” (only constellation I recognize). You are about to leave me alone. You are going to desert me. I blink away the tears threatening to come out. I can feel like a heartbreak.

Now you will come towards me. I will tell myself to smile, I have to. And you will ask “how are you? what are you doing?”. I will fake “yeah, I’m fine”. And somewhere from my heart I will whisper “I love you. Sit next to me” – I make it clear that you will not hear any of those whisperings.

As I described above - you came to me but I have to hide this then because I don’t want you to read this shit. You asked. No, not asked. You actually told me that you are going to hostel. And I replied a casual “haan”, when every pieces of mine wanted to tell you – “No, don’t go, please. Sit here with me.” I said it enough through my eyes but then you were busy on a call and didn’t understand which you always used to.

And when you left the room. I screamed your name, only to hear them by awkward faces around me. So, I opened my phone and wanted to text you “come here, please”. But when I opened it, I saw your text “why are you ignoring me?”. So instead of saying how I feel, I replied with “no, I’m not ignoring you” and helped myself to sit in silence.

So here I am. sitting with some darkness and bit of memories around me, overanalysing every situation of mine which is holding me back. I have lot of things to rant but wait nobody is here to listen it to. I want to tell how on some nights I feel totally naked and empty from inside. Yes, last night I grasped a bit for a calm breath, too.

I want to tell how on 22th June, I talk to mom so rudely and denied to eat anything for which I am still feeling guilty. And other night doctors told me that how her health is decreasing day by day, and I didn’t even say sorry for what I did and now I wanted to. I want to tell how my papa……………..but then my phone beeped to show a message written “ Nikku, kuchh baat krna hai, free hona to btana?”.

So I jumped myself on from paper to WhatsApp and replied with “yeah, I am free, we can talk now”. And having conversation with her. I realised, somewhere in the middle – it’s not like you will always feel better by ranting out all your insecurities. But sometimes, when you will listen with all your hearts open, you can always feel a calm, relaxed version of you.

And just like that “some feelings remained unspoken, again”.