The other side

I have two sides of me that I rarely talk of. I’m afraid the world will think I’m crazy. There’s the first happy side everyone sees. Smiling. Laughing. Listening. Singing. The one you want around when you’re having a bad day. The shoulder everyone loves crying their heart out on. It’s the 3 AM message reply and the answer to your random phone call. It’s the one that stops you from asking – There’s something different about you, what’s wrong?

And then there’s the other side. Sad. Worried. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. And a failure in its own eyes. It’s the worst of days put together. The one stop people from getting too close. It’s harsh and it’s never sorry. The side which pushes me into the most heartless people you will ever meet. And it just likes being alone where it feels like home.

Yesterday without prior notice, my happy side went for a stroll. And so I sat waiting since morning, hoping it would come back home. But it never did, it never returns on its own. And with only the other side for company, I grew restless with every passing hour. So I set out to find it. In the usual place, I thought it’d be.

The mahabalipuram beach, which is few km from here. Juices over soda and MTC bus over cabs, you know, I'm fascinated by it. I like to watch how a child plays with his mother's bangles when the bus driver accelerates his way past the green light or how in a bus full of army men, everyone was clicking pictures of the minister outside when I wanted to tell them, hey, it looks prettier after dark, but I didn't.

There was an unusual silence, as I lay back on the sand. The air felt too cooler for a warmer night. And I found my heart throbbing, reminding me of my typewriter’s keys. The wind plays its part and the silence grows stronger. RUSTLE. And to each coming waves, I waved towards it, for happiness (the other side). But every time, it only tasted like tons of salts dissolved in it. I had never really liked autumn phase but how could fall feel so beautiful? Falling apart, too. So, in search of the other side, again, I moved on to………..

This café I’ve loved going to for years. Where they have fairy lights, a dog, and my favourite music. Sitting across an empty chair. I chugged down three bottles waiting. Wait, I still don’t know how beers taste like. Few minutes later, nostalgia also came to sit in the corner with an empty glass and hums my favourite song. Seeing the ghosts of yesterday, I petted the dog and cuddled a lot. Ate a whole burger without a second thought. But then, vulnerability breaks down and weeps in my arms. Some days will not go on your favour, doesn’t matter how much you try……….it was one of those.

Trying to escape from the reality, I opened a chrome window for Calvin and Hobbes quotes – “sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we think twice”.  “I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness”. “you know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon…...everything’s different.” And read about life in bits and pieces.

But wait, now you may have the question - I wrote somewhere in my blog that “You will fail to love yourself time and again if your happiness is somewhat linked with that of all the physical things (or the people who don’t respect you).” Then why are you finding it outside? So yes. yesterday, I found out that I should not believe this. Probably because I wrote that in the presence of my second side, but since it betrayed me, I should not trust on.

Just as I was about to leave for the home. It’s started raining heavily, and I decided to sink in. so I bought for myself a vanilla flavoured ice-cream and started getting wet and cool at the same time. And there it was, my happy side, grinning ear to ear. In the total internal reflection of the counter water droplets. So we walked back home laughing, singing and dancing in the rain. Until I searched frantically before opening the door. Then smiled knowing it wasn’t the keys that were missing.

There are a lot of such feelings, not random but occur randomly; that you can’t share with anyone. How will you?  How can you? You just can’t say I woke up and felt more dead than ever or I just saw the sunset and I think it was more orange and sadder this time around! You can’t share things because you don’t know how to. Not anymore.

And to all those going through the same, I have no advice for you. Just lots of good luck and well wishes that you be okay.