Rant-II

One of these nights where I cannot fall asleep or whenever I'll do, It'll be in tight pants and not in comfortable Pyjamas. But somehow I know I'm going to be fine.

No sleep, just repeating dreams. And back to the horror of the day.

I have started despising human interactions. Nothing excites me, anymore. people, places and relationships, just nothing. A late phone call from an old friend to check on me is more annoying than Monday mornings. I am finding it more difficult to sort myself out. I put efforts into something, but there is always something wrong happening around.

I cannot say I am miserable but I would honestly like to be out of this moment I am stuck in. A change will be good. Because in a long time, I am the guy without a plan or a preparation.

I keep on saying I am fine, but am I? I am so accustomed to lying that all I have become is just an impaired truths. I look for the truth in the words I say, and seldom am I able to find something that holds true about me.

I spend most of my time thinking about things that are never going to happen. Or will happen, just not soon.

I am the guy who plans only for today and the day that come tomorrow but goes blank when someone asks me what I will do later this week. People write their entire month's plan on the calender, and I can't find myself committing to hours of the day. Lately, I found that I started forgetting small things, things like - Brushing my teeth, shutting down my laptop, closing the door and started skipping meals like I bunk classes.

I wanted to share the things I started feeling lately and when I told Didi, she said this is a phase and it will pass and I should focus on constructing a time-table but did I tell her that i already goggled the symptoms and "Depression" flashed on the results?

It's chaos in here. But I look calm, don't I?

You plan birthdays a week ago, I plan my birthday parties only when I am asked to throw a party. These days, My friends are planning for valentine's week and I, seriously, don't even know which day it is.

But wait, I also planned for the same but then again I over-think and think and think and here it goes - we go out for a movie and our hands brush when we are sitting next to each other. A part of me believes it just happened, and the other part says it was on purpose. A sign from you to hold your hand, but I am too unsure. In a split of second, I think about all the possibilities that can happen if I hold your hand.

Possibility One: You let me hold your hand.
possibility Two: You move your hand away.
possibility Three: You think I am a creep.
.
.
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Possibility Fifty-one: You pull my face closer and kiss me passionately.
Possibility Fifty-two: You slap my face and stomp your way out of my life.

The possibilities are endless, and then, I come back to the reality. Nothing has happened, yet. we are here, only a second has passed and i am writing this long, fucked up rant.

Some days, I wish was not so calculative about every situation. Some days, I wish I could just let things go away with the flow. But I cannot stop over-thinking.

If this is what every twenty one-year old feels, I am at the brink of losing my sanity - a lost star, trying to light up the dark.