Goodbye

Date: 17th march, 2019

Dear People,

It’s been a long time since I wrote you a letter. I think I should write you one tonight. I am doing okay. Still a mess. All the minute turns into days and then into months but I have never felt so distant, so lost.

Let me tell you about another lesson I learnt from life only recently — to find a true connection with someone else, you should have a connection with yourself. What I don’t believe in is the person I have become now.

Last Friday, I was sitting in the soft-skill class, sir was busy teaching about strings. So, I opened my bag, took a novel out and started flipping its pages after each 40 seconds.

“what are you dreaming, Nitish?” – someone asked me from behind. When I looked back, It was my soft-skill teacher with a glooming smile on his face.

“No, was I dreaming? No.” – I said Hurriedly.

“Yes, you were. Tell me, what are you always dreaming of?”

“Maybe, but I think I was not.”- I lied.

I waited for the class to get over and went to him and asked, “Do You really want to know about my dreams?”

“Yeah, if you’re comfortable and willing to.” He continued, “I am closely watching you from last few weeks and not even for a sec you were in the class. You are always in some dreams, always thinking about past or future, always making if’s and but’s of the thing that isn’t even real.”

And at that time, I came to this realization that I am nowhere near in reality. And it wasn’t a big, I-sank-down-crying kind of thing. It was more of a realization. Like when in the middle of doing something on a particularly cold day, you realize that your hands are cold. So you see, yesterday I realized that my hands have been cold for quite a long time, now.

I wished I could find happiness, somewhere. The way my friend does. Not in big, glittery things, but in people and moments. Small things like Oreo shakes and shared cabs and visiting old forts at 2 AM. I really wish I could. And I hadn’t cried in a while so I think I was doing just fine but then I’m not.
I used to be okay, you know?

He stopped me in the middle of my thought process and said – “Nitish, plan to go somewhere for few days. But first try to meet a Therapist, otherwise things can go from bad to worst. Try to not overthink the situation, try not to escape reality and a suggestion – Don’t write for few months, don’t read books that made you to overthink. You are trapped in all this, you now need some new problems, new circumstances.”

I was reading the old letters I’d written to you. Honestly, so much has changed. So, here I am now, trapped in a Therapist house.

My therapist says that I think way too much.
But you know what, I think that the huge plant in his chamber is hideous. But the furniture is pretty rad. I think that his brown bowtie doesn’t suit him one bit. He could look handsome if he tried. But I bet he doesn’t get enough time from all the snooping around in other’s lives that he does. Oh it’s all a part of the process, I see.

I think he asks way too many questions for a man who doesn’t like dark chocolate and has never heard of Calvin Harris. For a man who started forgetting things, who watch same dreams every night, that he knows what will happen next, and some dreams that gave him plot for his new writings. For a man whose writing brings more misery than relief for him.

My therapist says that I am confused. That I need to keep a clear track of my thoughts. A clear track. Clear. Track.
But he’s wrong. I’m sure that yellow is my favorite color, even though I keep telling people that it’s grey. What if Theodore finch wouldn’t have saved Violet that day? I really like a girl from my Instagram, I think it’s love, should I go and tell her? The guard outside, I’ve seen him somewhere else too. I do not remember where but I’m sure I have. He always wears grey. My favorite color. It’s all a part of the process.
Clear. Track.
Fuck.

He says I need to stop, to take an indefinite break from writing and reading. I laugh and tell him that green color makes him look fat.

So, you see, what have I become? And, I, too want to get myself out from this phase and so I have to take some harsh decision. I won’t be writing anything from today for few months. I don’t know when this phase will end and when will I start writing again. But trust me, I will be back very soon. Take care.

I genuinely hope this is my last letter to you. After all, I come to you only when the world is a too hopeless place for me.

Until next letter,

Nitish

P.S. -  Thank you Everyone, and a big thank you to my soft skill Teacher( I still don't know his name).